Republicans Suck and Blow, or is it Blow and Suck

With Obama’s election I feared for the future of my two favourite newsthingies, in left field Jon Stewart and on the right Stephen Colbert.

Thankfully, Republicans, like Governor Bobby Jindall of Louisiana (he of the blowing) and Governor Mark ‘Sucking’ Sanford of South Carolina seem hell bent on keeping these boys employed and recession proof, with the wind at their backs.

At the National Governors’ Association Conference they bitterly attacked taking money from a Democratic President as they held out there hands. Apparently, the boys favoured Jon’s advice that Democrat dollars could be spent even if they weren’t worth as much as Republican dollars.

“We will recommend that the legislature take the road money,” a mere 3 billion and change, said ‘Blowing‘ Bobby. “Being against it doesn’t preclude taking the money,” slavered Governor ’Sucking’ Sanford. As Jon Stewart opined, being against gay rights doesn’t preclude getting in line when the guy in the cowboy hat is offering blowjobs; that would be elitist.

The Governors’ concern is really an issue of family values you see. There concern is the debt that might be passed on to their constituents’ children. Well boys, I’ve got news for you, Democrat dollars may not be as good as Republican dollars but Republican debt is as real as Democrat debt.

The multi-billion dollar cost of the war in Iraq, that incidentally meant the Louisiana National Guard were unavailable after Katrina; banking deregulation; and tax cuts lie at the root of the current economic maelstrom. While Democrat dollars may fuel a recovery its Republican debt that caused it. Try as you might gentleman you just can’t suck and blow at the same time.

So what was Stephen celebrating yesterday. Why Stephen Colbert Prayer Day of course. According to Master Media International, evangelicals across USAmerica were united in prayer for Stephen yesterday to infuse his decisions with a strong moral element.. They were even joined by Stephen himself in his lucky prayer hat and his patented prayer hands as he chanted “Jesus Number One!” and petitioned the Lord for superpowers and washboard lats.

While Pinko Jon insists we’re poor, Colbert counters that we are not poor in spirit (or lucky prayer hats and patented prayer hands).

Whew, for a minute I thought we might be threatened by sucking and blowing Republicans.

So Long it's Bin Good to Know Ya, Dubya

Stephen Colbert first used the term truthiness on October 17, 2005 in the premier of his 'Today's Word' bit. He described truthiness as "something that seems like truth – the truth we want to exist." He used the invasion of Iraq as an example, “If you think about the war in Iraq, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war, but doesn’t taking Saddam out 'feel' like the right thing?” Later, in a 2006 interview with AV Club he explained the connection between truthiness and Bush's, then, popularity, “People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist.” Think, links between Saddam and Al Queda; Saddam was behind 9/11; and, Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

Three months later the American Dialect Society announced that truthiness was their word of the Year for 2005.

While Colbert may have popularized the word, George Dubya had been a practitioner of truthiness since early in his first term. He is the man who assured us eight years ago that he knew (in a truthiness kinda way) Vladimir Putin was a great guy: “I looked the man in the eye.... I was able to get a sense of his soul... I wouldn't have invited him to my ranch if I didn't trust him.”

As the debacle of his eight years as front man for the forces of evil—read Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove—draws to a close he continues to spout truthiness like the west Texas gushers that provided the backdrop to his first business failure were supposed to.

Dubya, you set back the Mideast peace process, waged aggressive war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and facilitated the economic bubble that is presently bursting. On the upside, your devastation of the English language has given me 8 years years of unadulterated hilarity. Hey you even set the stage for another inarticulate, redneck like Sarah Palin. Who could ever have foreseen her selection as candidate for the Vice-Presidency if the manure that comes out of your craw hadn't left fertile fields behind it.

It is importantant to realize that truthiness is only one specific subcategory of Bushism. Bushisms comprise the full constellation of malapropisms, tortured grammar, double negatives and truthiness: All comfortably cloaked in stoopidity while still revealing Feudian slips and other dirty laundry.

Georgie how could I ever forget the defense of wetland restoration you offered up in N'Awlins: "I'm a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane." I know your compassion spread joy through the Ninth Ward and East New Orleans.

Similarly, I'm sure cups clattered on the bars in Gitmo when you explained your concept of justice last year, that criminals “will be caught and persecuted.” They may never be prosecuted or given a fair trial but you were certainly truthful (in a Freudian sense) when you promised to 'persecute' them.

'Mission accomplished' in Iraq? Well, not really. But why should we be surprised it hasn't come to pass? Demonstrating Bismarkian sagacity you told us only months into your Presidency that, "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."

That's not to say that you haven't given the Gordian knot of Palestine your best efforts. One year ago you explained how you were going to move an initiative for a two state solution to a successful conclusion before the end of your Presidency: "I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be—hold hands." Unfortunately, the recent Israeli invasion of Gaza demonstrates the impotence of hand holding in the face of Alexandrian force.

George you may not be much of a speaker but Karl Rove assured the New York Times' audience that you are a reader. A participant in a mano a mano book reading contest with him. Truthful or truthy? I might have believed him if he'd insisted you read gun magazines (and like them so much you refuse to lend them to the lizard king) but, L'Etranger? Give me a break.

Rove also insists that you read the Bible, cover-to-cover, annually. With all your begats that one I am willing to believe. After all, it was you who assured Mississippi in 2006, “that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses."

Finally, Dubya, from one writer to another, don't let editors, books or the facts interfere with your inimitable style and truthiness as you write your forthcoming autobiography. Stick to your guns and it will occupy a place of pride in my bookcase right beside Stephen Colbert's, I Am America (And So Can You!).